Hello, Lover

Today was a big girl day for me.  I had a small meeting of sorts in Regina so dressed up in real pants, wore make-up and jewellery and heels.  It also meant a small road trip.  On the way into Regina, a forty minute drive, the roads were not great and so it was more than 40 minutes.  I attempted to enjoy some Fleetwood Mac but was instead annoyed with the chickenshit in front of me driving what amounted to a child's red wagon and worried as I looked at the semi and four vehicles in the ditch.  Did I really need to be on the road?

Maybe, maybe not, but I did get a free golf tee out of the trip and made it there and back safely.

I also was able to shop at Chapter's thanks to my mother and her one day early birthday gift of a gift card to said store.  It was like being provided with a my very own hit of heroin!  To be clear, I've never done heroin nor do I want to but those folks on Intervention seem to experience quite an intense high and this is how I feel when at Chapter's. 

I am nothing if not hardcore.

I bought some books and a another notebook-y, to-do list agenda type of thing and still have a whole $5 left on the gift card.  I then went to Starbucks and got a Caramel Macchiato and a brownie type of bar.  And then I carried on home fueled by my two best friends, caffeine and sugar.

I literally have said: "Hello, Lover" to both coffee/chocolate items a few times in as many days.  It's a line from Sex and the City uttered by Sarah Jessica Parker to shoes?  a man?  I don't remember and now my friends who are more devoted fans than I are rolling their eyes and silently shaming me.

The caffeine and sugar quickly kicked in and before I knew it I was performing a high-spirited rockin' rendition of 'Kiss with a Fist'.  I do not know who sings it.  I'm not even sure if that's the title.  What I am sure of is how much I rocked at it and that someone should get it on film.  I later switched gears and harmonized (snort) with Willie Nelson on his version of 'Always on My Mind'.  There I sat crooning and swaying about how maybe "I didn't treat you as good as I should have" when I was prompted to shout "Cocksucker!" in a bout of Tourette's spurred by an asshole driver.

Seriously, when is someone going to outfit my vehicle with a camera? This is Jersey Shore material here.  Except I will never ever be DTF on camera.  Nor will I tan.  I am vain and although I want to tan (not to Jersey Shore levels, mind you) I do not want to spark any further premature aging.  My hair is already likely at least 40% grey; I do not need to add leathery skin to the mix.  This is also why I carry around these extra five (twenty) pounds.  To fill out the wrinkles and keep my skin looking soft and supple.

If you believe that?  We should be friends.

For now it's off to scarf on some of the chocolate that accompanied my gift card today.  Life is good.

Cookies & Crack

I went to Chapter's last night. By myself.  Without money.  That's like sending Charlie Sheen to a brothel without his penis or blow.  It was almost physically uncomfortable.  So many books.  Office supplies.  Fun sarcastic sticky notes and notebooks in and on which I could and would create.  Books books books.  Funny books.  Sad books.  Biographies.  Hair magazines.

And what did I buy?

Zip.  Zero.  Nada. Nothing.

I simply basked in the glow of the atmosphere and longed for a some Godiva chocolates and to live back in the city where I could go to Chapter's more than once every three months.  Oh and money.  I longed for money.  Money that would allow me to enter the store and buy whatever caught my fancy.

tee hee.  My fancy.  That's what I'm calling 'it' now.

Just kidding.  But seriously they have these new notebooks there now that are super cool.  I must have them and I will.  My birthday is at the end of the month and I've already decided I will be requesting a gift card.  I keep asking for one CD that I've yet to get so I'm going to give up on that and go the gift card route and get me some new notebooks.  I can also go into Staples and get just as excited about the stationary and office supplies there.

It's a sad strange addiction.

As is my addiction to cookies.  Which I baked this afternoon.  So that's awesome.  I have freshly baked oatmeal chocolate chip cookies in my house.  And milk.  So now I'm bloated.   Instead of "seven rocks" a day like our friend Charlie, I have approximately put away seven cookies and a glass of milk at this point.  So instead of having a hangover (or withdrawal-whatever Mr. Sheen's demon is), I am bloated and tired and working my way quickly to a Type 2 Diabetes diagnosis before I'm 40.

And it's Friday.  Friday night, right?  Good times.  Um, yeah, no.  Instead I'll likely watch recorded episodes of Grey's Anatomy or Harry's Law and Chelsea Lately.   Hopefully Shameless too.  I have wine.  And vodka, but I am so tired (long week + sugar crash) that having a drink doesn't even appeal to me at this point.  I want only to sleep.  And eat vast amounts of comfort food.  And buy a new notebook.

I don't think these are outlandish requests but, like Charlie Sheen, the planets are currently aligning against me.  He and I are simply and sadly misunderstood. 

Penny & Charlie
Charlie & Penny
Cookies & Crack
Crack & Cookies....it's all really just the same.

Well, except that Charlie could actually buy himself an actual Chapter's franchise and I can't even get a fucking notebook.  That just doesn't seem fair.

I need another cookie.

Dreaming the Impossible Dream

Today I attempted to engage in what is commonly referred to as "self care". This is what it was supposed to look like: Get up, shower, actually do hair and apply make-up, drop children off at daycare for the entire day. Drive to Regina and go where ever I want and spend as much time there as I want and just take. my. time. Spend an inordinate amount of time at Chapters. Visit Starbucks. Eat the raspberry loaf with the delicious lemon icing.

This is what today actually looked like:

Get up, wipe three year old's ass, shower, don't really do hair, discover six year old may or may not have pink eye. Call daycare provider to see how she feels about that. She's good with it. Obstacle overcome. Administer antibiotic eye drops to poor child in hopes it will work and can ease mommy guilt over choosing books and icing over his eye health. Husband informs me (yesterday actually) my vehicle needs an oil change right now so maybe I should stop and do that before I leave town. It should be known I dislike the necessity of putting gas in my vehicle. It's cumbersome in it's time consuming-ness and expensive. I prefer to spend my money on books and icing. An oil change is a whole new level of annoyance. So anyway, ask husband to drop children off. He agrees. Yes. Make bed, decide hair is 'good enough', apply make-up, sweep living room, pick up toys, fold blanket, set alarm, leave house. Drop off movie (Brothers, sooo good; that kid who played the oldest girl is phenomenal), get coffee and muffin, drive to dealership for oil change. See line up. Drive away.

First stop: Super Wal-Mart. Trying to find a dresser for my youngest child. Can't find one that doesn't cost more than it should. Instead find Chocolat on Blu-Ray for $10! Johnny and I will soon spend some quality time together with his hair, his guitar and chocolate. Sigh. Also purchase Sex and the City - Season 1. Haven't seen them all yet, figure now is as good as time as any to build my library, as it were. Make a few other mundane purchases, leave.

Second stop: Jysk. Waste. of. time. Had to listen to that god awful song 'Fireflies'. Literally look for a discounted candle holder sharp enough to cause irreparable damage to my ear drums so I never have to listen to that song again.

Third stop: Home Sense & Winners. Buy new purse and wallet. Yay me! Look at bathing suits. Briefly consider trying on one and then decide not to ruin a pleasant day.

Stop #4: Quizno's for lunch (this is turning into a commercial, sorry). It's packed. Use bathroom and leave and go two doors over to Extreme Pita. Enjoy a chicken souvlaki pita with Greek salad. Read the paper. Bask in the glory of eating uninterrupted and getting caught up to speed with current events.

#5: Petland. Play with three adorable kittens and some puppies. Pet and hold what may have been one of the ugliest cats I've ever seen. A calico whose ears have both fallen victim to frostbite (I assume). Sits himself right on my lap and proceeds to bathe. Poor white and black cat in kennel observes this and cries. Ugly ear less calico hisses at other cat. I laugh and resume petting Van Gogh (I just decided this is his name). Van Gogh would prefer I not pet him while he's bathing on my lap so turns around and hisses at me. I laugh again. Continue to carry on conversation with both cats. Wonder how many people have passed by and gotten warm fuzzies from watching a clearly special needs woman play with the cats....buy our dog ginormous bone and cats expensive wet cat food.

#6: Candy Store. It was just okay. Purchased some black cherry pop.

Stop #7 was not supposed to happen. But it did. I was drawn like a moth to a flame. Costco. Only spent $80 though and most frivolous purchase was a bag of Salt and Pepper chips for my husband. Feel the need to pee while at Costco but it's busy and decide I'll wait until I get to the Holy Grail of Self Care Shopping Day stops: Chapters.

Chapters: Ahhhh. I love books. I pee. To clarify I use the bathroom; I'm not an overexcited puppy sort of person who just pisses herself at the sheer joy of being in a bookstore. I wander; touching books, reading covers, perusing educational workbook section for kids. Wait, what's this? A little blip on the radar of book inspired bliss? Cramping? Put book down and head for washroom. Desecrate Chapters in a way I'm uncomfortable with. If you follow Sassy Curmudgeon (and if you don't, you should) she recently wrote a post about Ladies' Room Etiquette (well, it's actually titled "Poop Stall" or something to that effect) and every rule was broken today. Against my will. I did my best. For those of you who don't love books with an unbridled fervor won't understand. If you love clothes imagine you finally make it to Rodeo Drive and are in some designer shop and your chicken souvlaki pita turns on you. The shame. The horror. The odor. Never mind that I'm pretty sure one of the Real Housewives of Regina was in the stall beside me. Size 4. Big hair. Dressed all in white. Sorry lady.

Skip Starbucks because stomach is not up for coffee or even, sadly enough, lemon icing.

Contemplate one more stop but then feel like I should get home. Told the boys I'd pick them up by 4 p.m. They can't tell time yet mommy guilt and obligation win this one. Upon returning to town, get oil change. Read a magazine. Figure out how much I spent today (ouch). Pick up children. Return home with one child with scraped chin, knee and finger from a fall on the step outside daycare. Other child giddy with excitement at prospect of treats. Haul bags in. Give dog his bone. Give kids their treats. Put other purchases away.

Do not feel relaxed, really. Realize I missed a very important phone call and feel annoyed person did not choose to try and reach me on my cell phone. Try to call them back. No answer. Grrr. Feed kids soup and cheese buns for supper.

Contemplate self care. Decide, in the future, Grape Vodka is really the only way to go.