Monday, November 29, 2010

Getting to Know You

So I can't remember what I have and haven't told you about my new career path but it involves working from home.  This is good.  Most of the time.

The rest of the time?  I long for an office devoid of three year olds who have no concept of time but insist on constantly inquiring about the time.  And then arguing with me about it.  A quiet office.  Free of dogs.  Where I don't need to holler "ENOUGH" upwards of nine times a day to no avail.

This is a learning journey.  For instance, my three year old, I've discovered, is kind of an asshole.   I knew this to be somewhat true but when I wasn't spending 24 hours a day with him, it was easy to look past it once you caught a glimpse of his big green eyes and devilish good looks.  Being together, all. of. the. time.  has brought a new truth to light.  He's a true baby of the family which basically translates into he never listens, shuns discipline but is such a laid back and fun loving guy you can't help but laugh at his latest asshole antic.

Today, upon being chastened, he advised he would be leaving and going to his "other home".  I inquired as to where this home might be.  Turns out he's got himself a little getaway pad in Saskatoon.  He's watched a lot of Home Alone lately and this has led to him wishing for me to disappear after again being disciplined.  Unfortunately for him, the likelihood of me going to Paris, with or without him, is about as likely as my being ID'd in Brooks, Alberta.  (read previous post).

So here are the perks to my current occupation:

1) Dress Code:  here at Penny Lane Inc. an elasticized waist is a requirement.  As is an over-sized hoodies paired with an equally over-sized t-shirt.  Socks are optional.  Make-up is even more optional.  Really, clean underwear and brushing one's teeth pretty much qualify one as C.E.O.

2) Commute:  Zero minutes.  No more near-aneurysm causing commutes behind one of our city's fair senior members.  No more shouting four-letter words at Gramps and Grams and then feeling guilty and like Baby Jebus is frowning on my bitterness towards all octogenarian drivers.

3) Co-workers:  Three year old, two dogs and two cats and for an hour at lunch, a six year old.  This is where it starts to fall apart a little.  But it's still bearable as I don't have to make bullshit small talk with any of them.

4) Management:  Technically I am self-employed so clearly the Management is beyond fantastic.  Funny in a cynically wonderful sarcastic manner.  No bullshit.  Doesn't frown upon my bare feet or sweat pants.

There you have it.  It's a pretty sweet deal that will only get sweeter at the end of this week when I get to venture out of the house back into the world of adults.  So I'll have to trade in the sweats for a day or two in exchange for some semi-professional wear but on the bright side, I will not have to bathe anyone midday when a poop has taken an unexpected turn for the worse.  I may have to make small talk but will not have to put my dog on time-out.  It's all about choices and for now, I choose to accept my youngest child, a product of my parenting, is kind of an asshole.  I also choose to recognize this is as close to having the best of both worlds that I've ever had, and for that?  

Well, for that, I am grateful. 

Monday, November 22, 2010

Hiatus Interrupted

So I've been fielding a few complaints about the lack of blogging.  Well, I think I'm back.  I've had a number of interesting and fun occurrences happen as of late and so I shall start to share.

First of all I went to Bassano last weekend to visit some family and put on a jewellery show.  Had a lovely time visiting with the ladies and such.  Then, my cousin took me out for a night on the town.  In Brooks.  For those of you not familiar Brooks is in Alberta.  It's not a large place by any means but is fairly close to Calgary.  I was not at all prepared for the diversity Brooks offers....

Everything from minorities to the inbred and one Lonely Lesbian.  I loved every minute of it.  Moose Jaw, the bustling metropolis from which I currently hail, is lacking diversity in a very real way.  This town couldn't get whiter and furthermore, that's the way the majority of the population prefers it.  This is Redneck Utopia.  People are openly racist and homophobic without any real fear of backlash.  And maybe the minorities living in Brooks face racism as well; in fact I'm sure they do, but that being said, the night was beautifully diverse. 

People were dancing.  Men were dancing with each other because they simply wished to dance and no one with breasts were available.  And the best part was, they didn't get beat up or mocked for it!  In Moose Jaw, I cannot guarantee the same would happen.

Usher was there.  Okay, so he's not actually Usher but this man has clearly spent some time admiring and modelling Usher's moves and did so with style and aplomb last Saturday night.  His Asian counter-part for whom I have no nickname, strutted his stuff in a cage at the second bar.  Yes, a cage.  No, I did not get in the cage.  I did however offend a shorter 'stockier' lady who seemed to think I had my eye on her man.  This man is a friend of my cousin's and I did indeed dance with him.  In a totally platonic, non-sexual manner.  There was no grinding.  I'm 33 and a married mother of four.  I don't grind.  There was more than respectable amount of space between us.  However, Mama Cass Jr. suspected there was more to it than met the eye and started throwing herself at me on the dance floor.  With that, I let my dance partner go and he was promptly embraced and ground upon by this woman.  She even treated him with a little booty shaking and displayed one of the biggest tramp stamps I have ever seen.

Lucky man.

So not sure if I mentioned it or not but my cousin is beautiful and has a body most woman would kill for.  She is also THREE WHOLE MONTHS OLDER than I am.  Still I found myself waiting inside the first bar while she ran back to her vehicle to get her ID.  She was actually ID'd.  I, however, WAS NOT.

That's all I have to say about that.

I made earlier mention of the inbred and a Lonely Lesbian.  The inbred boy bore an eerie resemblance to those mutants from The Hills Have Eyes.   He seemed comfortable enough with his lot in life though and made up for his unfortunate DNA by sporting a nice big belt buckle.  The sensibly dressed woman who moved from table to table in an effort to make friends?  Struggled but was soon accepted by some Trailer Park Boys-esque looking folks and all was well.  I have no confirmation she is indeed a lesbian but in any event it appears being a minority in Brooks is slightly more acceptable than being a gay woman.  This is unfortunate.  Is there any place in this world that is entirely inclusive?  Is there any society that supports such a thing?

This is a more serious topic for another time.

And in other news:  I quit my job!!  This is fantastic and I believe now that I quit I can divulge where I worked...Superstore.  For those of you not familiar, Superstore is a grocery store but with much more than food and I was lucky enough to work in the Electronics Department.  My supervisor has one of the tightest mullets I've seen in some time and a strong love of all things Disney.  I worked with a multitude of asshole adolescents and illiterates.  The best part of this job was the mindlessness of it and one of my co-workers who is an exceptionally hard worker and a great lady.  I'll be sad to say good bye to her but the a-hole teens and even more ignorant customers?  So long fuckers.

And now?  Well now I have a lovely new opportunity.  And that's all I'm going to say about it.  Well that and I'm extremely excited and thrilled.

So blogging will resume on what I hope is a fairly regular basis.  I'm also looking for any takers on a road trip to Brooks...

Friday, November 5, 2010


I'm taking the smallest of hiatuses from blogging.  This makes me sad.  For the last year and a bit it's been one small (actually large) ray of light in my sometimes otherwise challenging life.  Right now though, there absolutely is no time. In fact, I should be in bed right now because I have to work at 6 a.m. tomorrow. 

There is another job on the horizon that I very much want but my chances are a little less than what I originally want; should the planets align and I do get that job?  Relief, happiness, excitement, nervousness...these will be the many feelings ruling my world.  And what else? I may have time to blog again.  No longer will I be at the mercy of shift work being treated like a moron in a vest.  If I don't get this job?  I will survive and continue to rock my vest and work on the other ventures currently stealing my time.  Not to mention my family and Christmas bearing down on us.

Blogging?  Well that will depend on many things.  I'm feeling very uninspired.  Discouraged even. 

Well, that's enough of the Pity Party.  Stay tuned because I will be back.  Please don't say that to yourself with a Schwarzenegger accent...I did, but that's beside the point.

Take Care Friends.