Tuesday, January 24, 2012

No Control

I literally had no idea what I was going to write about when I opened this up but just said to my husband, "When I'm stressed, I have no control."  And there you have it; a spur of the moment topic sentence.

There is great truth behind this statement.  I was referring to food.  We have been watching what we eat as well as using a new product to lose weight.  It's going fairly well.  My husband is down 23 pounds and I was down 11. Again, with his penis, he can think really hard about losing weight and it melts away. My vagina prefers that my body hold on to every last roll until the last possible minute.  Although I can't blame it all on her.  My mouth is somewhat to blame as well.

I was doing so well.  The new product we are taking had almost shut down my sugar cravings. No snacking in the evenings because I simply didn't want to.  Then Christmas hit.  Christmas is stressful at the best of times but this past one I did not have enough money, I did not have enough available family, my husband had to work and there is food everywhere.  Why? Because I bought it.

Enough is a relative term.  Christmas was fine.  The kids were happy, I spent Christmas Day with my husband and kids and then with great friends, my husband did work but this allowed him to be home for Boxing Day which we spent with his family.  The food though?  The food was still here.

I often jokingly refer to myself as a 'food addict'. And in some ways I am.  I fell off the wagon and dammit if I can't get back on!  Sugar is my lover.  Junk food in general is my mistress...is there a male equivalent to that word?  Anyway, I like it.  I am also lazy.  I do not really enjoy cooking all that much.  I enjoy vegetables less.  I don't like anything that requires more than me opening a package, can, my mouth.

Sigh. That last part sounded dirty.  It wasn't supposed to but because I'm juvenile and it makes me snicker a little, I'm leaving it.

So anyway, I am back on the program. Sort of.  With the exception of Saturday night where I force fed myself roughly 12 mini peanut butter cups chased with mini pretzels.  This was while I was watching Betty White's 90th Birthday Celebration.  Yes, my weekends are wild.

Then Sunday, I thought that's enough.  Time to get my shit together.  Except there are still peanut butter cups in the house.  And pretzels.  And popcorn twists.  And salt 'n vinegar chips at Stacey's house.

So I weighed myself Monday morning.  Just to see what the damage was.  And yup, sure as shit, back up a pound and a half.  No, not horrible but entirely preventable.

The point of this entire post is, I have zero coping skills.  Wait, that's a LIE.  My coping skills are food, bitching and alcohol and not necessarily in that order.  Although my friend Vodka has not been nearly has prominent of a figure as she once was. Fickle girl.

So instead I make trips to Wal-Mart for toilet paper and come home with $10 worth of back fat.  

No. Control.

A friend of mine's mother once said to her life is all about choices.  I couldn't agree more.  Why I continually make the same choices is beyond me.  I do believe that's the definition of insanity...Great.  I'm a crazy bitch with back fat.  Granted, less than before but if I don't get it together, it's going to come creeping back and pretty soon I'll be able to keep my keys, lip balm and such in the handy folds on my back instead of in my purse.

Today is a new day.  I'm starting it off right.  Did just receive some unsettling news about my cell phone bill but I will not cope with food!  I will bitch instead.  Bitchy girls are not fun but are generally thin, so there.  Problem solved!

Glad we got that worked out, now carry on.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Shit that which Disturbs Me

I have spent the better part of the holiday season compiling a list of things that piss me off.  These little epiphanies would strike as I shopped, ran errands and took in the general merriment of the season.  And although Christmas has passed, the irritation has not.

I took a few moments today to begin an actual physical list.

This is what it is entitled:

'Stuff that pisses me off'

-chewing with your mouth open.  So gross. So wrong. So unacceptable unless you are under 2 years old or over 90.
-Safeways, Costcos, etc.  If this one confuses you, it is you who pisses me off.
-tight clothes.  On other people and on myself.  Tight clothes are a nemesis to us all.  If you are the one wearing tight clothes you are uncomfortable.  However, some folks are repeat offenders and maybe they do not feel this discomfort I do when a waistband is digging into my sides creating the fluffiest of muffin tops...
-"I'm drunk".  Pronouncing this loud and often is usually a sure indicator that said "intoxicated" person? Is not.
-Lack of respect of time.  Here we take a serious turn but I loathe waiting.  The end.
-Lying.  This is pretty universal but I am currently caught in a conundrum wherein I am not sure if a person is lying to me or if they are too stupid to even understand that is what they are doing.  It's tricky and requires further research but given my sheer abhorrence at the thought of spending even five minutes with this person EVER AGAIN, it may remain an Unsolved Mystery.  Does anyone else remember that show?  Man, our whole family used to cozy up to the TV for that little gem.  Two channels.  No remote.  We even watched the commercials.  Crazy times I tell you, crazy.
-Stupidity.  See above.  There are a few breeds of stupid.  There are those who are so stunned they believe they are smarter than everyone in the room and will make that known, without question.  Stupidity often goes hand in hand with lying. These are the bad liars who lie so blatantly and obviously there is no doubt whatsoever that they are lying, yet they carry on.  These people, I've heard, are also fantastic fundraisers.
-Spending money on vehicles.  I hate when a vehicle breaks down.  I can barely stand to part with money for gas, never mind hundreds or thousands on something that should just work and keep working until I don't need it anymore.
-quarter-ton trucks.  

This is, obviously, a working list.  Stay tuned for further additions and possible deletions (although I highly doubt it).  Feel free to respond with suggestions of your own for said list.

So what else happened today?

I watched a middle-aged woman park a half ton truck in an expansive parking lot with ridiculous amounts of room like she was parking a semi.  This did not impede my parking at all or trip into the store I was visiting, but for the love of Pete, dress in drag if you are going to go out and do stupid shit like that.  Otherwise it is nothing but further fodder for the penis-bearers to lament the skills and abilities of women drivers.  

The day did end on a happy, or at the very least, amusing, note.  My husband, two youngest children and I ventured to Wal-Mart tonight to look for birthday party invitations.  This was a failed mission-the birthday boy, oddly enough, did not want Barbie themed invites..  That aside though, while Rhett, who is 4, and I waited for our shopping companions to return from a trip to the cold medication aisle, he shared some important information.  He turned to me and said: "Mom, during the day when sometimes my penis gets stuck to my leg, I just do this."  And with that he proceeded to spread his legs and squat a little.  This was said matter-of-factly and without pomp or circumstance.  I was left to reply with a smile and a "ok".  

Shit that which disturbs me....