Thursday, January 5, 2012

Shit that which Disturbs Me

I have spent the better part of the holiday season compiling a list of things that piss me off.  These little epiphanies would strike as I shopped, ran errands and took in the general merriment of the season.  And although Christmas has passed, the irritation has not.

I took a few moments today to begin an actual physical list.

This is what it is entitled:

'Stuff that pisses me off'

-chewing with your mouth open.  So gross. So wrong. So unacceptable unless you are under 2 years old or over 90.
-Safeways, Costcos, etc.  If this one confuses you, it is you who pisses me off.
-tight clothes.  On other people and on myself.  Tight clothes are a nemesis to us all.  If you are the one wearing tight clothes you are uncomfortable.  However, some folks are repeat offenders and maybe they do not feel this discomfort I do when a waistband is digging into my sides creating the fluffiest of muffin tops...
-"I'm drunk".  Pronouncing this loud and often is usually a sure indicator that said "intoxicated" person? Is not.
-Lack of respect of time.  Here we take a serious turn but I loathe waiting.  The end.
-Lying.  This is pretty universal but I am currently caught in a conundrum wherein I am not sure if a person is lying to me or if they are too stupid to even understand that is what they are doing.  It's tricky and requires further research but given my sheer abhorrence at the thought of spending even five minutes with this person EVER AGAIN, it may remain an Unsolved Mystery.  Does anyone else remember that show?  Man, our whole family used to cozy up to the TV for that little gem.  Two channels.  No remote.  We even watched the commercials.  Crazy times I tell you, crazy.
-Stupidity.  See above.  There are a few breeds of stupid.  There are those who are so stunned they believe they are smarter than everyone in the room and will make that known, without question.  Stupidity often goes hand in hand with lying. These are the bad liars who lie so blatantly and obviously there is no doubt whatsoever that they are lying, yet they carry on.  These people, I've heard, are also fantastic fundraisers.
-Spending money on vehicles.  I hate when a vehicle breaks down.  I can barely stand to part with money for gas, never mind hundreds or thousands on something that should just work and keep working until I don't need it anymore.
-quarter-ton trucks.  

This is, obviously, a working list.  Stay tuned for further additions and possible deletions (although I highly doubt it).  Feel free to respond with suggestions of your own for said list.

So what else happened today?

I watched a middle-aged woman park a half ton truck in an expansive parking lot with ridiculous amounts of room like she was parking a semi.  This did not impede my parking at all or trip into the store I was visiting, but for the love of Pete, dress in drag if you are going to go out and do stupid shit like that.  Otherwise it is nothing but further fodder for the penis-bearers to lament the skills and abilities of women drivers.  

The day did end on a happy, or at the very least, amusing, note.  My husband, two youngest children and I ventured to Wal-Mart tonight to look for birthday party invitations.  This was a failed mission-the birthday boy, oddly enough, did not want Barbie themed invites..  That aside though, while Rhett, who is 4, and I waited for our shopping companions to return from a trip to the cold medication aisle, he shared some important information.  He turned to me and said: "Mom, during the day when sometimes my penis gets stuck to my leg, I just do this."  And with that he proceeded to spread his legs and squat a little.  This was said matter-of-factly and without pomp or circumstance.  I was left to reply with a smile and a "ok".  

Shit that which disturbs me....


  1. UNSOLVED MYSTERY! I always watched that on our 2 channel remoteless TV.CBC and CTV were the only channels! Now there are 564 and nothing on.
    I love your blog. Liars and stupid seem to be a qualities that have to go hand in hand. Believe me I know...and I know that you know I know!!Sorry you can't e-mail. I didn't realize my precious machine was "filtering" my communications! I going to be a grandmother!! In June. What do I hate?. Grandma's that talk about their grandkids and show pics all the time! Grandmothers who smoke anywhere near babies.None of that will come from me! I promise.
    Keep up the blogging! I had a long bout of computer problems and missed out on alot of your blogs. I'm back up and you keep writing! By the way...I'd love to have a coffee ( and I promise no talk or pics re grandkids!)

  2. I know, right?!

    Congratulations!! That's exciting and you can talk about them anytime and all the time, if you so choose!

    Will do and let's do that coffee asap.