Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I Throw Like a Girl

I'm a bitch.  I don't like it if other people call me this unless we are acknowledging it together and laughing about it as I often do with my friend 'Stacey'.  However, this whole bitch business started waaaayyyy back in the day.

Like in Grades 1 through 6 (and beyond) where some exercise or another prompted the teacher to make everyone take turns reading out loud to the class.  I read like a motherfucker and always have.  I read fast, I can spell, have spectacular pronunciation and enunciate like nobodies business.  Since I was 6.  I'm not making this up.  Now other kids may have lucked out more in the athletics department, common sense or even looks but when I was 6? Or any age since then?  I lack all patience for those who can't read well.  So as a little bitchy elementary student, when those kids who could kick my ass on a volleyball court, stuttered and stumbled over their assigned reading? It was not beneath me to sigh loudly or glare or make fun of them (behind their back like all good bitches do) afterwards.

Now as a mature woman; a kind woman; an empathetic woman, I would never do such a thing.

Well, never may be a bit of a stretch. 

I had training, again, last night and it was decided we would take turns reading sections of the manual out loud.  It was not pretty.  And because I would choke and be just as uncomfortable if someone asked me to skate as part of anything anytime? I  can empathize because I skate like a two year old.  Legs stiff and straight, arms out.  It's not pretty.  And it makes me self-conscious.  Now some of these people who may be able to skate like Nancy Kerrigan before her knee was bashed in, or maybe sing like Susan Boyle or whatever that chick's name is from Britain's Got Talent, cannot read out loud.  Not well, anyway.  Do you know how tortuous it is to listen to someone read out loud badly?  Do you know how tortuous it must be for said person to realize they suck at this but are being forced to do it anyway?  It would be like the time I had to fill in during a Slo-Pitch game for my husband's team.  I literally wanted to puke but more than that?  I wanted the game to be over.  I am the definition of "throws like a girl".  I wanted off the field and safely back in my lawn chair with a drink in my hand. 

So here's what I think:  After one is finished with, at the very least, elementary school, where it makes some sense for the reading out loud business, no one, who is not comfortable with it, should ever have to do that again.

And in reference to my inherent bitchiness, at the very least, even if you can't pronounce words like 'innovative' or what have you, you should at all costs, be able to pronounce the name of the company you are now working for.  It's spelled phonetically (which means you can sound it out and be exactly right).  That's all I'm saying.

One more thing (you knew I couldn't leave it there, right?):  adults being trained by reading aloud to one another is, in my mind, a bit of an issue in and of itself but that's where I'll leave it for today.

I've learned my lesson...for the most part. ;)


  1. You throw like a girl but you curse like a hot sailor.

    So it's a trade-off.

  2. OH MY GOD. I did the exact same thing growing up!!!! Nothing slowly pisses me off more than listening to some kid stumble over a word AGAIN AND AGAIN. I was the annoying bitch in class who would finally just fucking correct you because the teacher would let them try it out for twenty minutes before giving them the word.

  3. Nigel, I feel you make a valid point...

    Sara, I would often correct others as well. It was all part of my charm. I suggest you Google or try to find on YouTube a bit by Gerry Dee. He's a comedian who does a whole bit on the bad reading aloud. It's classic.

  4. I would get soooooo fucked up whenever I had to read out loud in class. I wasn't the worst at it but I always went RIGHT AFTER the Asian and who can compete with that? I used to go around the room counting heads then counting paragraphs so I could silently rehearse my lines before the teacher got to me. So, of course, I wasn't hearing a THING anyone else read. Then...the moment came. I was NOT immediately after the Asian. Infact, there were no Asians in the class and I read like a pro! I was so damn proud of myself...until...

    I think we were reading "Snowbound" but I am not sure. The details are fuzzy. But I got to the part that said (after kids found a stray cat), "here pussy pussy pussy!" HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN CLOSE TO FAIR FOR A 7TH GRADER?! I laughed so hard. I couldn't read. I couldn't breathe!!!! My sides hurt. It was the Holy-shit-my-laughing-is-going-to-physically-kill-me laugh. It HURT. I NEEDED to stop but try as I might, I just couldn't. The teacher was PISSED. He picked up my desk/chair WITH ME STILL IN IT and THREW me in the hall and slammed the door. I spent the rest of the class period laughing hysterically in the hall. Serves him right!

    The best daughter ended up having him and he remembered Caitlin's mom "very well." It probably didn't help her any that later in the year, I was chewing gum and he told me to throw it away. I stood above the garbage and spit the gum out. My aim sucked (I throw like a girl and apparently spit like a girl too) and my gum landed on his shoe. Once again, tears of laughter as he and I both just stared at the wad on his shoe. He yelled at me to clean it up and I nearly rolled over in laughter as I bent down to pick it off of his shoe.

  5. Omigod, how funny are you?! Love the hysterical laughing. What was wrong with that guy? If I was the teacher and a kid laughed that hard over something that is clearly funny, I would have no choice but to start laughing as well!

  6. You do remind me of some of the sailors I met in San Diego.

    Got to LOVE a potty mouth.
    You go Girl!

  7. He didn't like me very well until a few years ago when he called 911 because his colleague broke her ankle at work. I am an EMT and I showed up on the ambulance. After that, he was all, "oh, you are so wonderful. You did such a good job treating her and she said if it wasn't for you, her foot would never have healed right!" And I was all, "Fuck you for making me read "pussy" out loud and not finding the humor in that or my gum wad on your polished shoe!" ON THE INSIDE! On the outside, I said, "I am glad I could help."

  8. SoccerMom I'll gladly accept that compliment!! Thank You!

    I think you should have just said, straightfaced, "pussy", and then walked away. Without laughing. That would've been awesome.

    Shameless plug here: For all of you who love my profanity laced musings, please feel free to vote for me on TopMommy. The button at the top, you click on it and you've voted, it's easy as that. Thanks!

  9. lmao i love nigels statment!!
    i was the fast pitch champion of my state back in the day.. need a lesson!?!? LOL ;) AND i curse like a sailor!! ;) lol
    loved it!!

  10. I hate listening to people read aloud unless they can do it really really well. And even then? Not so much.

    I used to take the girls to a story-time at the library. The girls loved it.

    And every week?

    I took a little nap in the back of the room.

    Other people reading?

    I am alseep.

  11. Aims: people have tried for years to teach me how to's a lost cause. Someday I will post a photo of my head after attempting to play catch at a Slo-Pitch tournament. Yes, hurt myself playing catch. That good.

    Kris: I'm always just pleased you have taken the time to stop by. And also, I'm not sure I really enjoy others reading to me. Like books on tape sounds like torture to me. I just don't get it.

    Welcome new stalker!! Woo hoo!!