Monday, September 20, 2010

Assholes & Butt Cracks

What to write about today?  Well, I did take my two youngest children to see Toopy & Binoo at the Mall today.  Is everyone familiar with Toopy & Binoo?  If not, good on you.  I am jealous.  If so, you know what kind of day I've had.

For clarification purposes, some of what I will comment on today is based on the T & B experience and the rest are just general observations made as of late.

First of all, people are typically stupid on an individual basis but get a whole group of them together like that and the stupidity increases exponentially.

Issue #1:  When did butt crack become a universally accepted accessory?  Buy bigger pants. Get a belt.  I loves me an elastic waist and by now this has been firmly established.  That being said, I make sure, at all costs, that my pants fit.  I would rather go on a fucking date with Toopy & Binoo than join the ranks of the Ass Crack Crusaders of Canada (they shall now be known as the ACCC).  Or if it's not ass crack, it's underwear.  Big fucking underwear.  Which is better than catching a glimpse of someone's thong.  Thin or not, it's just not all that appealing, but if you're not thin?  It is obviously your choice as to what kind of underwear you wear but that being said, it's my choice to preserve my eye sight and help you preserve your dignity.
This is why I don't wear a bikini.  Never mind how ridiculously self conscious I would be, I am thinking of you, the people, when I make the smart choice and cover up all evidence of my Vodka and chocolate binge-based activities.

Issue #2:  Other people's kids are assholes.  I don't think they intend to be assholes or realize that's what they are; it's simply behaviour that's been modeled for them by their asshole parents.  Seriously.  And yes my children can be assholes too, but in public they're generally pretty good, as they were today.  They sat and patiently waited.  We got there about forty minutes before the show started.  Our friends we were meeting were there waiting for us.  So we got our seats.  (Our seats on the mall floor, I might add; sitting cross legged on a cement floor stops being fun or easy once one reaches age seven).  Our collective children sat nicely.  Only  to have some other assholes (which is how their children ended up that way) show up five minutes before show time and seat their kids in the two inches of space directly in front of ours.  I, with my own asshole-ish tendencies, tugged on a little girl's shirt toward the end of the show as she was standing right in front of my friend's child and said child's two year old cousin.  Standing kid's mom, Asshole Sr., was oblivious.  The child, was more than a little alarmed and surprised.  To clarify I wasn't mean.  I simply asked her to sit down. She looked puzzled and slightly annoyed but did sit down.  Unless a child knows me well and/or I've made it clear I would appreciate interacting with them, I tend to intimidate them.  I'm not proud of it, it's just a fact. 

A fact that may not only apply to children, actually.  Plus today I braved the world sans make-up so that always adds an edge to my ever-present charm.

Issue #3:  When one knows they are going to be spending a portion of their day in public, it's wise to bathe and/or tend to other necessary and appreciated hygiene practises such as brushing one's teeth.  We are in close quarters here friends. 

And that is all I have to report on today.  Unless someone can tell me how to get my 16 year old to stop 'horking up' phlegm and touching his 13 year old sister.  No he's not touching her inappropriately or with the phlegm.  He has a cold right now.  So it is pretty disgusting.  He simply has perfected the art of driving his sister mad with the slightest look, heavy breath or even by his very presence.

Sometimes it's funny.

And I laugh.

Which makes him happier and infuriates her.  Especially if she can't help herself and laughs as well.


At least all of our butt cracks remain un-exposed to the general public.

Sometimes it's the little things that get me through.


  1. Muahahahahahahahahaha. This was hysterical. We have most assuredly become a buttcrack and asshole nation. Hopefully others will see the errors of their buttcracks and work on the behavior of their asshole children.

  2. Thanks jerzygirl! With any luck at all this will be the post that inspires people everywhere to reconsider low-rise stretch jeans and crop tops; especially worn together.

  3. Amen to it all. Amen to the butt crack as the new accessory. Amen to the fact that 85% of kids out there today are assholes but their parents pretend they're candidates for sainthood. I love that you're never afraid to speak the honest truth.

  4. Remember when the ass-crack was an accessory only worn by plumbers and refidgerator repair men? Ahhh...those were the days! I do not know who Toopy and Binoo are but that is fine since my kids grew up with the damn Teletubbies! I miss Tom and Jerry!!

  5. Thanks Kittie. I love how much you love the honest truth. Not everyone does.

    Nicki, yes, I do remember that. And no worries, my daughter, who is 13, loved the Teletubbies. The oldest? Barney. The six year old? The Wiggles.

    I've seen it and done it all...sigh.

  6. lmao i gotta admit something.... i sometimes.... am that asscrack girl... i wear low low rise jeans.... lol ;)

  7. aims, if you must wear the low low rise, get yourself a nice long top! ha ha!

  8. Yeah I hate seeing ass crack, on anyone. It is just soooo wrong.

    AS for jackass kids, this is why I avoid places that house large groups of the little pain in the assess.

    But I love my own kids.

  9. SoccerMom:




    We are of the same mind, clearly.

  10. IMF! Are we related, could it be I have a long lost sister out there? That was too funny and hit very close to home. And no there is no way to get the 16 year old to rid his plem problem or touching his sister. Impossible!

  11. Hey Tired Mom, thanks for the comment! I'm an idiot though and have no idea what IMF means. It's sad, I know. But hey, let's further explore this long lost sister bit. I don't have a sister, so this could work out for both of us. Supporting one another through phlegm and unwanted touching...