Torn

I've struggled all day long with whether or not to blog.  Today was kind of a crap day.  I have a Bachelor's Degree that now feels essentially useless.  And ten years of experienced flushed down the toilet.  Ten years of heart sucking soul sucking work driven by the want to help others.  Gone.

I know, in my rational mind, that it's not really gone.  I did help some people.  I played a positive role in some lives and for the most part I'm proud of the work I did.

I'm not proud of the level of pride that kept me working there as long as it did.  In part there was a financial issue but I also always said I didn't want to let "them" have the last laugh.  Yet, today, I'm pretty sure they laughed 'til they cried.

And I?

Just cried.

I cried out of anger and frustration.  With them and with myself.  I should've known better, I should've played it safe, I should've quit before I began to spontaneously combust, verbally, on the internet. 

Except where would I be then?

Still there.  Still fighting for nothing.  Putting all I had into a place that only wanted to take and never to give back.   A place where I was and am disposable.

I am tired.  Earlier today I was angry.  And yet the level of emotional fatigue has left me too exhausted to vent properly.  And, they are still likely following me and reading this and even though I've already severed all trust (their words, not mine), they'll continue to watch.  Watch and wait for me to do something else.  For their comedic pleasure.

Fuck, I'm mad.

Next time round we'll be discussing mitigating factors.  That, friends, rest assured, will be more charged up angry with a touch of humour.  I promise.