Friday, September 3, 2010


I've struggled all day long with whether or not to blog.  Today was kind of a crap day.  I have a Bachelor's Degree that now feels essentially useless.  And ten years of experienced flushed down the toilet.  Ten years of heart sucking soul sucking work driven by the want to help others.  Gone.

I know, in my rational mind, that it's not really gone.  I did help some people.  I played a positive role in some lives and for the most part I'm proud of the work I did.

I'm not proud of the level of pride that kept me working there as long as it did.  In part there was a financial issue but I also always said I didn't want to let "them" have the last laugh.  Yet, today, I'm pretty sure they laughed 'til they cried.

And I?

Just cried.

I cried out of anger and frustration.  With them and with myself.  I should've known better, I should've played it safe, I should've quit before I began to spontaneously combust, verbally, on the internet. 

Except where would I be then?

Still there.  Still fighting for nothing.  Putting all I had into a place that only wanted to take and never to give back.   A place where I was and am disposable.

I am tired.  Earlier today I was angry.  And yet the level of emotional fatigue has left me too exhausted to vent properly.  And, they are still likely following me and reading this and even though I've already severed all trust (their words, not mine), they'll continue to watch.  Watch and wait for me to do something else.  For their comedic pleasure.

Fuck, I'm mad.

Next time round we'll be discussing mitigating factors.  That, friends, rest assured, will be more charged up angry with a touch of humour.  I promise.


  1. I'm sorry you had a shitty day.

    Should I tell you a story to make you feel a little bit better?

    The other day, I was talking to a girl I work with about the high school days. I was telling her how the popular girls were such bitches. And I was all, "But I guess they got theirs because they ended up being unwed mothers with illegitimate children muahahaha."

    And the girl just looked at me weird and finally said, "Um, I have a child out of wedlock...."

    Awkward silence.

    This is what happens when I make really bad jokes at work. I think I'm going to start staying in my cubicle more often.

  2. Okay I love you. I love you so much because the example you used? Well dear Sara if you've been following real close? My first son is a bastard born of 16 year old me. True? True.

    Bah ha ha ha ha ha!!

    Don't you dare stop making bad jokes!

  3. First of all, I am so sorry that you are under so much stress and I hope things turn out in your favor in the end. I am sure there is some good to come out of all of this, even if it isn't visible right now! Stay strong though. I haven't been following you for long but you seem like a strong person!

    So...Sara's comment jolted a memory in my mind as well. I was chubby and considered one of the "Head-Bangers" or "DirtBags" in school. Gotta love the 80's! I wore black leather, smoked, drank a little and listened to hard rock. BTW...other than cigarettes, beer, wine coolers and the occasional pink heart, I did not TOUCH drugs! I also showered regularly. So, what did they know? Anyway, needless to say, the cheerleaders and I were not the very best of friends.

    So, one day (about 8 years ago), my kids' babysitter was over and she asked me when I graduated. I told her '90. She said, "Oh, do you know (insert queen cheerleader bitch's name here)? I said, "Oh my God! I HATED her! She was such a stuck-up snob!" You see where this is going, don't you? I have such diarrhea of the mouth. She said, "That's my cousin." My only response was, "Well, I hope she is nicer to her family than she was to me!" What else was there to say? "Um, I mean, I loved her. We were best friends. I thought you were talking about someone else for a second there."

    Point to all this other than nostalgia? Hmm...I don't know. But I hope things end up working out for you somehow and you don't lose sight of the good in you!

  4. Thanks Nicki! I also have diarrhea of the mouth. It's always good for a laugh afterwards but at the time I always wonder why I don't think more before I speak.