I'm Not Your Bitch

I overreact.  I'm much like Chevy Chase's character from all of those Vacation movies.  My favourite is Christmas Vacation and I'm him.  I build things up in my mind and get all excited at how truly AWESOME and AMAZING whatever event, Christmas included, and then become increasingly distraught (read: bitchy) when it doesn't go as planned or anticipated.

I overreact on a daily basis.  If I were to frame this positively, I would say I am a passionate person.  This is true, I suppose but passion has it's time and place.  Like say when enjoying chocolate covered pretzels and milk, grape vodka and Sprite, and Jax from Sons of Anarchy.

Tonight, passion arrived when I was asking my son, who is 17, why he felt it was okay to leave the remnants of every snack he's eaten tonight on the counter.  His response, whilst lying in a prone position on the couch: "Oh, what, do you want me to run out to the recycling bin right away?"  This was said with more than a touch of sarcasm.  Sarcasm has it's time and place.  Like when I speak.  I prefer not to be spoken to in that manner though and least of all by my children.  Double standard or not, that's how I roll.  I advised him that at the very least he could throw out the plastic bag inside the box and then flatten it and leave it on the counter.  Here is how the rest of the conversation played out:

Him: "I'm not the only one who does it!!"
Me:  "Did I say you were the only one?  I know you're not the only one!  Did you want me to wait until I could get you all together and we'll have a family meeting about it?!"
Him: "Well you make it sound like it's only me."
Me:  "No, it's all of you because I'm all of yours [sic] bitch.  I'm work's bitch, I'm your bitch!"

This was said as I stormed up the stairs.  I stormed and fumed a little about poor sentence structure and my fast loss of control of the situation.  I came downstairs a few minutes later and he and I resumed a normal conversation about football.  He and I are one and the same in that manner.  Basically we can become instantly angered but get over it almost as quickly.  It works for us so don't judge.   And besides, if you start judging us we'll become angry again and then we're both huge assholes so it's really up to you... 

To be clear, I do not feel like I am "work's bitch".  Last week was a little rough but I do believe hormones played an unfortunate role in my perception of the circumstances.  I also don't really feel like I am my family's bitch.  Most of the time anyway.  I just became instantly annoyed at his annoyance with me.

And again, for clarification, being someones bitch and being a bitch are two very different things.  I am most definitely a bitch.  A smart bitch, a funny bitch, a mean bitch; take your pick, I graciously accept any one of these roles but that's where it ends.

Bitchy lunatic?  Yes. 

'Your' bitch?  No. 

'His' bitch?  Nope. 

Anybody's bitch?  Absolutely not.

I'm just me.  An exceptionally passionate woman who angers easily and relies heavily on sarcasm to communicate any thought, feeling and emotion she possesses. I've said it before, I'll say it again, my husband is a lucky man.

I Hate Jersey Shore

At the urging of a most trusted friend, I watched my first episode of Jersey Shore last night.  She is no longer trustworthy.  She is still my friend only because this is her first real slip of any kind.  Where do I begin?  With why I hated the show or how this has cast a dark shadow on a once pristine friendship?

Let's begin with the sheer hatred I have for the cast of Jersey Shore.  They sweat profusely.  They are not fun to watch party while intoxicated.  They are the kind of people I would steer clear of at all costs if I actually had a social life and didn't spend the better part of my days cleaning up after the five ungrateful a-holes I live with.  The Situation is a fucking dink.  Seriously.  The episode I watched had him trying to steal his friend's ultra-hot Romanian model girlfriend and smacking Snooki on the mouth when he was ready to leave the bar and she didn't want to.  And Snooki looks like a Troll doll.  A slutty little Troll Doll.

Exhibit A


Exhibit B


Now the Troll doll is incapable of eating or consuming alcohol so it doesn't have quite the same level of curvaceousness as Snooki but take note of the wide eyes, unnatural skin tone and clearly inspiration for the 'pouf'.

She seems like a nice enough girl but I need her to do a better job of keeping her ass and va-jay-jay under wraps.  I don't want to see it.  I also am tired of looking at her tits and I've only watched one episode; watched her on Leno once and laughed at her on Ellen when she guessed one of the 12 Original Colonies was Canada.  She also dances like a whore and did I mention the profuse sweating?

Back to the Situation.  Douche.  The End.

They are all so unbelievably unintelligent and vapid and while I loves me some Reality TV; I can't stomach this.

Back to the damaged friendship; I gave her Sons of Anarchy.  Which includes Jax.  The mother trucking hottest bad ass biker there ever was.  He's smart.  He's tough.  He rides a Harley.  Pauly D has fucked up  hair and  a bad tan.  SOA also has Gemma.  She's smart.  She's got biker chick down to fine form and she will cutabitch, if the situation presents itself.  Gemma and Jax are both in possession of a natural skin tone and anti-perspirant. 

So where will 'Stacey' and I go from here?  I'm not sure but it's going to entail drinking our calories, chips and dip, five cent candies, chocolate and Season 2 of SOA.  It's the least she can do for taking away approximately 40 minutes of my life I will never get back (thank God I recorded it and could fast forward through the commercials).

What I don't get is the huge following Jersey Shore has?  What is wrong with you people?  I am committed to, in no particular order, The Biggest Loser, The Amazing Race, Big Brother, 19 and Counting, Hoarders, Intervention...it's a long list.  I like reality TV.  If Jersey Shore is to be categorized as such, and I believe it is, who the fucks reality is that?

Who?

Yesterday, before watching Jersey Shore, I was feeling all grateful and in a Thanksgiving-y kind of mood (for my American friends, it is Thanksgiving in Canada today).  Then I watched that and spent the better part of today cleaning toilets and doing laundry so gone is grateful and here is bitchy.

Happy Thanksgiving Mother Truckers and a solid set of Double F's to Stacey...with Love.