Hello, Lover

Today was a big girl day for me.  I had a small meeting of sorts in Regina so dressed up in real pants, wore make-up and jewellery and heels.  It also meant a small road trip.  On the way into Regina, a forty minute drive, the roads were not great and so it was more than 40 minutes.  I attempted to enjoy some Fleetwood Mac but was instead annoyed with the chickenshit in front of me driving what amounted to a child's red wagon and worried as I looked at the semi and four vehicles in the ditch.  Did I really need to be on the road?

Maybe, maybe not, but I did get a free golf tee out of the trip and made it there and back safely.

I also was able to shop at Chapter's thanks to my mother and her one day early birthday gift of a gift card to said store.  It was like being provided with a my very own hit of heroin!  To be clear, I've never done heroin nor do I want to but those folks on Intervention seem to experience quite an intense high and this is how I feel when at Chapter's. 

I am nothing if not hardcore.

I bought some books and a another notebook-y, to-do list agenda type of thing and still have a whole $5 left on the gift card.  I then went to Starbucks and got a Caramel Macchiato and a brownie type of bar.  And then I carried on home fueled by my two best friends, caffeine and sugar.

I literally have said: "Hello, Lover" to both coffee/chocolate items a few times in as many days.  It's a line from Sex and the City uttered by Sarah Jessica Parker to shoes?  a man?  I don't remember and now my friends who are more devoted fans than I are rolling their eyes and silently shaming me.

The caffeine and sugar quickly kicked in and before I knew it I was performing a high-spirited rockin' rendition of 'Kiss with a Fist'.  I do not know who sings it.  I'm not even sure if that's the title.  What I am sure of is how much I rocked at it and that someone should get it on film.  I later switched gears and harmonized (snort) with Willie Nelson on his version of 'Always on My Mind'.  There I sat crooning and swaying about how maybe "I didn't treat you as good as I should have" when I was prompted to shout "Cocksucker!" in a bout of Tourette's spurred by an asshole driver.

Seriously, when is someone going to outfit my vehicle with a camera? This is Jersey Shore material here.  Except I will never ever be DTF on camera.  Nor will I tan.  I am vain and although I want to tan (not to Jersey Shore levels, mind you) I do not want to spark any further premature aging.  My hair is already likely at least 40% grey; I do not need to add leathery skin to the mix.  This is also why I carry around these extra five (twenty) pounds.  To fill out the wrinkles and keep my skin looking soft and supple.

If you believe that?  We should be friends.

For now it's off to scarf on some of the chocolate that accompanied my gift card today.  Life is good.

Top Gun

Today the weather finally broke and it was not 100 degrees below zero so we took our two youngest children tobogganing.  The teenagers couldn't be bothered.  The girl said she was going to study for finals.  However, when I left she was watching Jersey Shore.  The boy didn't give a reason but was also watching Jersey Shore when we left.  In their defence, I may have actually been the one to introduce Snooki and the gang to them.  Yes, I'm hanging my head in shame.

Anyway, back to the tobogganing.  I am not really an outdoorsy girl.  I am so not one of those people who loves to be outside.  Instead, when it's nice out, I either force myself out, or feel guilty for not being out, or bitchily wish it was cloudy and gross so I had a reason to sloth out on the couch.  So it was to my surprise when I really had a great time sledding today.  I even went down by myself a few times when my three year old was busy on the swings.  I raced my seven year old, one of his friends and their older brothers.  My ass was literally wet from the snow.  A pair of yoga pants with long underwear underneath are not effective wetness protection... Just in case you're wondering.

When Rhett (3 year old) and I went down together, we both laughed just as hard and I took great pride in us making it all the way to the ice shack.  For those of you who live in places meant to be inhabited by humans and are therefore wondering what the fuck an ice shack is, it's a building put up by outdoor rinks where one can put their skates on, etc.

While I was revelling in the world of snow sports I realized I like tobogganing more than swimming.  This could be because I swim like a brick.  I'm about as home in the water as Snooki is in the library. 

There are a number of reasons for this:

1.  I don't feel like an incompetent ass because really, who can't sled down a hill?  Lots of people can't swim and I happen to be one of them.  I can dog paddle I suppose but I fear that doesn't count.

2.  I was wearing clothing that did not expose any of my repeated therapy sessions with my doctor, Mr. Peanut Butter Cup.  I looked all sporty and did not spend the entire time trying to position myself in such a way to suggest I actually have abs and that my thighs don't touch.

3.  I was the only Mom there but if any others had been there?  Even if they were 'hot'?  No one can really tell the difference.  Yeah she may look smaller and maybe have a prettier face but it's not as glaring as being side by side on a beach with fucking Heidi Klum and feeling like, well, like Snooki, I guess.

Why is this post entitled Top Gun?  Well, I've also decided my love of tobogganing comes from my need for speed.  I used to enjoy skiing a lot when I was younger.  I'm sure I still would but the opportunity hasn't presented itself.  I also used to love boat rides in our family's ancient 'motorboat' when I was a kid too.  I like to drive fast.

Clearly, I like to live life on the edge.  And you can't get much edgier than a Sunday afternoon spent tobogganing on what barely qualifies as a hill, with your kids, followed by a trip to Tim Horton's.

Signing off,

Lane, Penny Lane.

I Hate Jersey Shore

At the urging of a most trusted friend, I watched my first episode of Jersey Shore last night.  She is no longer trustworthy.  She is still my friend only because this is her first real slip of any kind.  Where do I begin?  With why I hated the show or how this has cast a dark shadow on a once pristine friendship?

Let's begin with the sheer hatred I have for the cast of Jersey Shore.  They sweat profusely.  They are not fun to watch party while intoxicated.  They are the kind of people I would steer clear of at all costs if I actually had a social life and didn't spend the better part of my days cleaning up after the five ungrateful a-holes I live with.  The Situation is a fucking dink.  Seriously.  The episode I watched had him trying to steal his friend's ultra-hot Romanian model girlfriend and smacking Snooki on the mouth when he was ready to leave the bar and she didn't want to.  And Snooki looks like a Troll doll.  A slutty little Troll Doll.

Exhibit A


Exhibit B


Now the Troll doll is incapable of eating or consuming alcohol so it doesn't have quite the same level of curvaceousness as Snooki but take note of the wide eyes, unnatural skin tone and clearly inspiration for the 'pouf'.

She seems like a nice enough girl but I need her to do a better job of keeping her ass and va-jay-jay under wraps.  I don't want to see it.  I also am tired of looking at her tits and I've only watched one episode; watched her on Leno once and laughed at her on Ellen when she guessed one of the 12 Original Colonies was Canada.  She also dances like a whore and did I mention the profuse sweating?

Back to the Situation.  Douche.  The End.

They are all so unbelievably unintelligent and vapid and while I loves me some Reality TV; I can't stomach this.

Back to the damaged friendship; I gave her Sons of Anarchy.  Which includes Jax.  The mother trucking hottest bad ass biker there ever was.  He's smart.  He's tough.  He rides a Harley.  Pauly D has fucked up  hair and  a bad tan.  SOA also has Gemma.  She's smart.  She's got biker chick down to fine form and she will cutabitch, if the situation presents itself.  Gemma and Jax are both in possession of a natural skin tone and anti-perspirant. 

So where will 'Stacey' and I go from here?  I'm not sure but it's going to entail drinking our calories, chips and dip, five cent candies, chocolate and Season 2 of SOA.  It's the least she can do for taking away approximately 40 minutes of my life I will never get back (thank God I recorded it and could fast forward through the commercials).

What I don't get is the huge following Jersey Shore has?  What is wrong with you people?  I am committed to, in no particular order, The Biggest Loser, The Amazing Race, Big Brother, 19 and Counting, Hoarders, Intervention...it's a long list.  I like reality TV.  If Jersey Shore is to be categorized as such, and I believe it is, who the fucks reality is that?

Who?

Yesterday, before watching Jersey Shore, I was feeling all grateful and in a Thanksgiving-y kind of mood (for my American friends, it is Thanksgiving in Canada today).  Then I watched that and spent the better part of today cleaning toilets and doing laundry so gone is grateful and here is bitchy.

Happy Thanksgiving Mother Truckers and a solid set of Double F's to Stacey...with Love.