Monday, April 18, 2011

Does Don Cherry Suck it In?

I like Don Cherry's jackets.  Don't know who Don Cherry is?  Well come on over to my house.  All we are watching right now are NHL play offs.  My husband excitedly shares scores with me and all kinds of interesting hockey-based facts on an almost hourly basis.

It's great.  My very own Cliff Claven.

Which is probably why I felt compelled to eat a Reese Peanut Butter Bar and 20 five-cent candies while I read an In Touch magazine tonight.  Not just any In Touch but an In Touch featuring a very pregnant Mariah Carey on the cover. 

I hate Mariah Carey.

However, given she's 9 months pregnant with twins and I'm bloated (maybe due to the excessive candy and dairy intake; dairy because I am clearly unable to consume candy without milk, a giant glass of milk), the resemblance between her abdomen and mine is sadly very striking.  She's got two babies in there.  I don't.

My 17 year old is currently on the floor in front of me showing me some ab exercises he's learned in his Outdoor Ed. class.  Core builders.  My core is soft.  The most exercise my abs have had as of late was this weekend.  Saturday night I was at a party and Sunday I did a jewellery show.  Both of these things required dressing like an adult.  An adult who doesn't live in hooded sweatshirts and elastic waisted pants.  So when this gal gets all gussied up like a woman, in public, she must suck in.  At. All. Times.  I swear to God I've been sucking in since I hit puberty.  I was sucking in before I needed to suck in. 

And for this I'm grateful.  Because despite having had four children and eating copious amounts of carbohydrates, sugar and drinking equally copious amounts of vodka, I do not have a visible gut.  Sometimes I catch myself sucking in without even realizing I'm doing it.  It's second nature.

Fuck you Spanx. Spanks?  I don't know how to spell that and am not feeling inclined to Google it.

That's right, I have chicken legs, so don't require any spandex type of control garment there and 20 years or so of unconscious sucking in has allowed me to maintain some control of my abdomen.

Except for right now, of course.  I am not sucking in right now.  So right now I very much look like someone who has a long standing love affair with anything sold at 7-11 and who has birthed four children.

Come to think of it, so does Don Cherry.  And they pile so much make up on that poor man thanks to HD, that he's a rather unsettling shade.

See how that came full circle?  You're welcome.


  1. Remind me to tell you my personal spanx type experience this weekend.

  2. Also, why is it indicated wheelchair accessible in the space right beside where you type in the code???? That just seems strange to me. But glad that it is wheel chair accessible none the less.

  3. Ahhhh....such a gift....the ability to come full circle AND to suck it in! I think I began sucking it in as a fetus! I do find myself doing that a lot too...even when I am home alone. That and walking on my tip-toes. Whatever!

  4. I'm the exact same way about sucking in!! I always do it, without even realizing. I've always wondered what it must feel like to be so skinny that you never have to suck in. What a nice feeling that must be. "/

  5. Hi anonymous, I very much look forward to your tales of Spanx over some jambalaya. I think if you click on the accessibility code you probably get some sort of helpful way to enter it if you are unable to type.

    Nicki-thank you. I don't know why you walk on your tip toes but I think I'll give it a whirl and see where the day takes me!

    Sara-those girls who do not have to suck in? Zero core strength. Zero personality. Zero tastebuds. Zero fun. Us girls who suck in? Have all the fun!


  6. I have calves of steel since I have walked on my toes ever since I could walk!