Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Hideous Holes

As women we are conditioned from a very young age to be wary of all things aged.  We need to moisturize, exfoliate, buff, polish and wax our way into the land of perpetual youth.  Do our Kegels and strap ourselves into garments structured with under wire and of course, the dreaded Spanx.  Things sag, wrinkle and 'loosen' up despite our best efforts.

However, with the right clothes, cosmetics, and just generally taking the time to take care of oneself, aging can be done gracefully.  I thought I was doing okay.  Then the other day I looked in the mirror and realized there was something I had neglected.  A hole, neglected, that has begun to stretch and sag.  It. was. hideous.

It's not what you think and if you are thinking what I assume you are thinking, you're gross.  It is my earlobes.  I'm 34 but my earlobes are clearly approaching middle age at a faster rate than I.  I was wearing a pair of hoop earrings slightly heavier than my usual pair and this lent itself to stretched out sagging ear lobes.  I was embarrassed for myself.  Yet what I am to do?   I mean I guess I can choose to not wear those earrings anymore but it's not fair.  Jewellery is supposed to be wearable and flattering no matter how old I am or how much I weigh. 

My earlobes are telling me otherwise.  My earlobes say not only am I resigned to suitable knee, or just above the knee-length skirts, shirts with a cap sleeve, at the very least, and sensible slacks, but I must also stick to studs or the lightest smallest most delicate of hoops.  It's that or have my earlobes defy each and every one of my efforts to appear my age if not even a month or two younger.

It's not fair.

Yet another issue men do not have to face.  Grey hair makes them look more distinguished.  Well, except for when it's sprouting out of their ears and noses.  So we do have that on them.  Although I don't think ear hair removal remotely completes with leg hair, bikini line, eyebrow, and underarm maintenance. 

I have been told that men have some sagging issues as well.  However, if anything does start to sag, it's tucked away in their pants and only visible to those they are most familiar with, or an entire locker room, should they belong to a gym or sports team.  Our saggy ear lobes can, at best, hope to be hidden your hair.

So where does that leave me?  Well I'll continue to struggle with the decision to cut my hair short because then there's no out...I'll buy any product marketed by anybody that promises to give me the earlobes of an eighteen year old.

Until then though, it'll be hair down and the daintiest of earrings.  I'm pretty dainty myself so I guess maybe that's only fitting.

And if you believe that then drop me a line and I will declare you my new bestest friend!


  1. I've had grey hairs since I was 14. Ick. It doesn't seem fair that earlobes age too. WTF. Along with everything else that happens to females' bodies we have to worry about lobes? UGH. Though I'm sure yours are lovely and still dainty. We're our own worst critics right? So stop stressing! :)

    PS - I'm also rapidly closing in on the big THREE FOUR. when did THAT happen?!

  2. I've never heard anyone complain about their earlobes before! Ha!

    Seriously, though, men just get sexier and sexier as they age, and it is SO NOT FAIR.

    Do they do plastic surgery on earlobes?

  3. Kittie Flynn, it's nice to hear from you! We are in the same boat my dear as my grey hairs started showing up when I was 16. Thank you. I'm pretty much one of the daintiest gals you'll ever meet. Stress free and delicate and dainty like a flower, that's me!

    34 is okay. Take my word for it. I have no desire to be 40 but, 34 is doable.

    Sara-I am good at complaining and being critical. It's one of my special talents. Men do get sexier and some old men, who maybe aren't sexy anymore, are cute. The rest are just creepy.

    I'll keep you posted on the surgery options!

  4. I think we need to roll up the earlobes and put a piece of two-sided tape on the back so they will stay up...kinda like what I will have to do with my boobs in about 2 months. I am getting sick and tired of moving them out of the way to wipe after I go #1!!

  5. Oh you should propose ear lobe lifts to a plastic surgeon and then when it catches on, get part of the profits from it. I mean if they have surgeries to revirginize women and to make labia look thinner, an ear lobe lift seems so doable.

  6. I should! I wonder what it takes to tighten them up? To clarify, mine only sag when I'm wearing heavier earrings...but I know the day is coming where they'll sag no matter what. I wish I knew a plastic surgeon-this maybe my million dollar maker!