Monday, February 27, 2012

The Seventh Deadly Sin

I have had a few different posts rattle through my brains in the past couple of days but this is the first I've thought to sit down and try to get them out.  Problem is I was quite angry when these posts hit me (as is usually the case) and I am not angry now. I am sort of defeated and fighting the beginnings of a head cold but not really angry.

Why was I so enraged?  When aren't I enraged (with the exception of this morning)?

Hockey.  Small towns.  People's inability to respect other people's (specifically my own, time).  

Morning.  Eating chocolate. Drinking vodka. Sleeping.

If you aren't following, the first list contains the answers to self-imposed question one and the second list, answers to self-imposed question 2.

I am kind of a morning person.  I like mornings and am generally more productive in the morning.  Chocolate always makes me happy until I realize its consumption leads to tight pants.  Drinking vodka used to be tons of fun but is now something I rarely do and even more so, something I seem to enjoy less.  The hangover isn't worth it and/or I'm with people I am uncomfortable actually getting drunk with.  Boo.  Sleeping is pretty self-explanatory although I do sometimes, shockingly, have angry dreams.

Hockey in general does not make me angry. I quite like it.  I really like watching my 8 year old son play.  He is good at it.  This may sound like bragging and potentially it is, but honestly being someone who can still not stop on skates without the aid of the boards or another body? His 'prowess' delights and intrigues me!  My son, a skater!  And he loves hockey and he studies it and he knows it.  This leads to my having turned into one of the crazies who thinks maybe, just maybe, he'll go somewhere with it.

However, given where we live, I am going to potentially have to make some drastic changes to my way of life, or really, just my personality. I despise hypocrites.  I go out of my way to not be one and unfortunately in my slightly underdeveloped brain this equates with my thinking if I do not like someone, they should know this in no uncertain terms.  However, based on this small town I live in, hockey politics (sadly they do exist outside of the NHL, in full force; even in Novice B hockey), and the actions of a friend yesterday, I think I need to grow the fuck up and learn how to tolerate, politely, those whom I cannot stand.

I am capable of this.  I managed it quite well in my previous professional career, to an extent.  When it served my well being I suppose, and I guess it's time to go back there.  Smile and nod. If I haven't got anything nice to say, make some shit up.  Deal.  Grow the fuck up.

I am almost 35 and have a failed career, to an extent, to show for it.  I am capable of a stubbornness like no other and this has brought me to this very financially unstable place I am today.  

Being a Type A control freak who borders on perfectionism (I am scarily in danger of becoming a real loser as I shy away from doing things I don't think I am instantly and perfectly able to), this is hard to swallow.  I am smarter than this.  I am capable.  I was mature before my time in many ways but in the last two years I have regressed to an unacceptable place.  It's paralyzing. I crave control and right now it eludes me.  I have control over very little-or at least not the level of control I want or the right kind.  So it's time to change this up. I don't even know how or why.  I only know that whether or not my son is destined for the NHL or otherwise, I will not get in his way because of pride.

Pride has gotten me to where I am today and there are much less accolades and rewards than I imagined.  There is only loneliness, a sense of failure, loss and frustration.  Time to turn around.

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