Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Penis Benefits & Dinner Ideas

I learned tonight that my culinary prowess does not measure up.  At least not in the eyes of my teenagers.  They are sick of my fare.  They would like to me to jazz it up a little and make a stir-fry.  Some of you are laughing as stir-fry is pretty standard fare for most people.  I've never made it.  I don't like it so why would I make it?

So I asked them to give me ideas as to what they would like to eat.  So far I am making salmon, a pasta-vegetable salad (complete with green beans, vomit) and several desserts-they are my children after all.  Oh and ribs.  I agree with them, it's time to mix it up a little but frankly, I like cooking as much as I like being outside.  In fact, I'd rather be outside if it were left to that and having to cook supper every freaking night of the week.

I'm 34.  I moved out on my own when I was 17.  So for 17 years now I have had to come up with meals, sometimes three times a day, seven days a week.  I'm out of ideas!  'Stacey''s husband cooks.  She cleans.  I am green with envy.  I can't even fathom what it would be like to be able to carry on with one's day without really having to give a second thought to supper until it's time to eat it and then clean it up.  Bliss, as far as I'm concerned!  Except, he's uber-health conscious and they eat a lot of vegetables.  Which would probably be good for me but would take some getting used to.  I think I could do it though.

I was also told today, by teenage daughter, that we (my husband, I and our oldest son), go on a diet once and year and don't we know that is what is referred to as "yo-yo dieting".  Duh.  Yes I'm aware but reminded her it only really counts as yo yo dieting if you lose and gain back weight repeatedly.  We tend to fall off the wagon before anyone has actually lost any weight.  Except for once, three years ago.

Three years ago I lost 13 pounds and my husband lost 30 pounds.  In the exact same period of time.  Even though we worked out together and I dragged his ass to the gym where he did a leisurely work out while he watched TSN.  I worked myself into a red-faced sweating panting frenzy and carefully and painfully watched everything I ate.  I watched what he ate too.  I watched when he ate twice what I ate.  He was allowed to.  He's a great deal taller and bigger than me and basic Math meant he was "allowed" to eat more than I was.  And apparently, lose more than twice the weight.

I blame his penis.

I blame penises in general.

Having a penis means if you stop drinking pop (soda), you can drop 50 pounds.  Having a penis means if you think really hard about losing weight and perhaps fart as a result of having thought so hard, you will lose at least five pounds.  In that instant.  Having a penis, while we're at it, also thinks people will assume you know what you're talking about even if you don't.  Having a vagina means the exact opposite.  Having a vagina means knowing what you're talking about but being ignored because in addition to the vagina, you have breasts and everyone knows breasts = a lack of common sense, basic knowledge and literacy skills.

I know.  I'm taking my own food issues out on penises everywhere and they didn't do anything to me.  They can't help the fact that their mere presence also means testosterone is present and testosterone is the weight loss king.  Estrogen is the Hormone, Storing Inappropriate amounts of Fat on the Ass and Tricep Area, Queen.

Unless you're me. Then the fat is stored on your belly.  Still the arms though...Tight waves everyone, keep it tight.  Nothing worse than seeing that flap of skin/flab waggling and a wiggling in the wind.

Now I'm not all Negative Nelly around here nor do I hate myself.  I'm pretty fucking awesome.  I just have a sugar addiction and require a touch of lipo and a tummy tuck.  And a penis.  Just for weight loss purposes; aging well and respect in the workplace, bank and auto body/mechanic shop.  The rest of the time I'll keep my vagina.  It is much neater.  Nothing to adjust.  And the ability to find things.  I am convinced, through careful study of my husband and three sons, that having a penis somehow affects vision and/or fine motor skills to the point you are incapable of a) seeing something directly in front of your face and b) moving an object or objects to locate the thing you are trying to find.

So there you have it, vaginas are more compact and improve your vision.  A penis will help you lose weight and make people listen to you.  What do you want?  The ability to see or to be heard?  I for one, don't want to have to choose, so as soon as someone figures out how I can benefit from the effects of having a penis, without really having one, call me!

Oooh, and while we're at it, I need ideas for dinner.  I considered phrasing that as "send me any good recipes you may have" and then I had an overwhelming urge to put on a skirt, heels and some lipstick and fetch my husband his slippers.

I just threw up a little in my mouth.


  1. nicoleisbetter actually sent me an AMAZING pasta recipe once that I'd be glad to forward over to you if you're a fan of asparagus and mushrooms... it's super easy too, a complete requirement for me to even think about cooking something.

  2. Hi Maxie! Thanks for coming by. I would love to get that recipe. The easier the better and I could live on pasta alone.

  3. Hey..I say "pop" too! For me, having a penis would mean an extra 5 pounds. They DO weigh that much, right? Well, mine would anyway cuz I am just THAT good! =)

    My favorite recipe is very versatile. Brown garlic in some olive oil, add chicken broth, black pepper, white wine and pretty much anything you want after that and serve over pasta with grated cheese. Chicken, broccoli, spinach, peas, clams, shrimp, crab meat...anything goes good!

  4. Oh good. I was worried I would be mocked for using 'pop' but here in Saskatchewan, I have never heard anyone refer to it as soda, except on TV. And of course your penis would weigh 5 lbs. as would mine. I thought it went without saying but it doesn't hurt to clarify, I suppose.

    Thanks for the recipe Nicki-sounds great!