Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I Prefer a Firm Noodle

This title came to me the other day after my husband made mac & cheese and I complained that it was too mushy.  I like firm noodles.  Which is what I thought to myself and then giggled a little because sometimes my mind pretends I'm a 13 year old boy.  Further to that point I've been coveting an article from Saturday's paper.  I wanted to post about it.  Then slightly panicked the other day when I almost recycled it.

What is this astounding piece of literature I'm holding so near and dear to my heart?  Well, it's about walruses.  Walruses with giant penises. 

I may need to get out more.

The whole article is about how they're in danger of becoming extinct because the Arctic Ice is melting so they're trying to breed captive Walruses.  Trouble is, the girls are ready to rock when the boy isn't and vice versa. So instead, people are spending a lot of time, and I'm guessing money to figure out how to jack off a Walrus.


Well, it's no easy feat given that a Walrus penis weighs in at 30 pounds, is 3 feet long and is 22" in circumference!!!  No I'm not making that up!  Which just led me to wonder about the capacity of a Walrus vagina, but I guess we'll leave that for another day.  Anyway, they essentially are fashioning an artificial Walrus vagina out of PVC pipe and such, making sure it can support his 2900 pounds and his giant schlong.  Then they have to make it attractive to him so he gets in the mood.  Apparently his turn-ons are strollers, running children and power tools.  For real.  It's like Playboy for walruses.  He lives in a zoo.  When construction is being done at the zoo he growls and postures and is ready for some lovemaking.  Say that last part like Will Ferrell in Anchorman and it's even funnier. 

You're welcome.

Why all this trouble to fashion an artificial walrus vagina?  Why for artificial insemination of course.

The moral of this story is my aspirations of becoming a published paid writer someday may be a little far off given how easily distracted I am by limp noodles and stories of giant Walrus penises.


  1. Holy shit! I bet girl walruses walk funny for weeks after sexy time!

  2. Bahahaha! Love it....mind in the gutter! Also, mushy Mac and Cheese is nasty!!

  3. As usual, you are too fucking funny!The direction of your mind/humour is way better than most of the talk show drones that we suffer daily.
    Chicken Little

  4. I know, hey Sara? So do you think that's the average penis size or is that guy big? Or worse (?) yet, is he small. There's just so much to think about!

    Thank you lushnuts for appreciating both my gutter focused mind and supporting my quest for a firm noodle.

    Chicken Little, that is one of my favourite compliments ever!! Thank You!!

  5. Thank you for that 'editorial'. This is something I have never considered. Obviously I am too sheltered.

  6. I'm much obliged, Anonymous, much obliged.