Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Greasy Alphabet

I should probably post this over at PMS Chronicles but frankly I'm too lazy to at this point.  Is it wrong that I am eating chips and dip for a second time today? As a meal?  Or how about the fact that I continue to wipe my greasy fingers off on my bloated belly? 

I don't think so.

Well, okay, maybe the belly wiping of the greasy digits is a bit much but fuck you.


That literally sums up my general mood at present.  My poor children are being alternately mothered by Joan Crawford and June Cleaver.  Case in point, Rhett, who is 3, and I went to the grocery story tonight and upon coming home, after dark, he slipped and fell on the ice.  It was a small tumble but still I did feel bad for the poor little guy and also had my arms full of groceries.

Initial Reaction: "Are you okay, Baby?"

Yes, I call him Baby.  We all do.  He is soft and he is a Baby and despite his monstrous size I suspect he will always be Baby.  Much like Frances in Dirty Dancing except he won't end up whoring it up at a family resort.  We can't afford trips like that.

Rhett said no he wasn't okay and whined a little bit and slowly got up.

June: "Come on Loving, when we get inside Mommy will snuggle you".

Rhett: Okay.

He then proceeded to move very slowly and ask me about watching Caillou.  I am still holding all the groceries and like that, Estrogen reared it's ugly head...


June (guiltily): "And then we can snuggle".

I'm sure at this point he was looking forward to snuggling about as much as one would a cavity search.

Also during this evening's sojourn I called home, twice, in an effort to have my grocery list read over the phone to me as it was an unexpected grocery store visit and I didn't have it with me.  I spoke to both my oldest son and my husband like one speaks to those they deem less than sharp and seethed when neither of them could find the list.  I knew EXACTLY where it was and told them EXACTLY where to find it.  I could not believe their stupidity in not being able to find one goddamn piece of paper that I was thoroughly convinced was right in front of there stupid non-seeing eyes.

Then I got home.

And found it.

Buried underneath a notebook, a section of the newspaper and various other things.  On top of a box.

I told them to look on the kitchen counter and/or table.


Which is pretty much what I said as I giggled.

One last thing on the good news front, I purchased a pair of nylons tonight. I'm not sure when I last wore any but I plan on wearing a skirt to an event I'm hosting tomorrow evening and thought it best to pick up a pair.  And this is just so fucking great; I'm really excited to tell you!  Since the last time I bought a pair, I've gone up a letter.  Which is like going up a size.  Super terrific. I am now a letter of the Alphabet (nylons are like bras in that they are sized alphabetically) that I used to mock.  Pity, even.  Well, look who's laughing now. 

Lastly, there is not enough chocolate in the free world right now (my house) to satisfy my needs.


  1. Ive been there before. but on average the men in my household are just too freakin lazy to "really" look for anything. Pathetic.

    as for the chocolate, I cant relate. I hate chocolate. : ( SOrry.

    Now if we were talkin twizzlers. Well then I totally get what your sayin.

  2. In their defence, I had them so off track that it would've been a miracle had they found it. This is one of my less charming attributes...I always remember EXACTLY where I put something but more often than not, what I'm remembering is where it was before I put it where it ACTUALLY is.

    Oh well, they can deal.

    I have difficulty trusting those who hate chocolate but for you I'll make an exception.

    I like Twizzlers too.

  3. I also suffer from June/Joan personality disorder. Unfortunately, I tend to let Joan out (and be perfectly happy with her) more than June. Oh...and I am offended that you said, "fuck you." I think "truck you" would have been a nicer way to say it. Sincerely, Anonymous.

  4. Hey..where are you?? I'm in Penny Lane withdrawl.
    June is OK in very small doses.Joan is sooo hillarious and less work for the individual.It takes a great deal of energy to suppress her. June is too phony or sickly nice.
    Chicken Little

  5. Chicken Little, I am sorry. I've been very busy this week and have a bit of writer's block too. Who the hell are you anyway? I feel like I should know but can't figure it out. This frustrates and amuses me.

  6. I am someone from your recent past. I know you well enough to know you are just like you write. I miss the "in person" Penny Lane, so will follow Penny Lane "the blogger". My "chicken little" name is being used for both obvious and ironic reasons.

  7. Well for the love of God, just email me already and tell me who you are because for all my spouting off about how gosh darn smart I am, I can't figure it out.