Monday, August 16, 2010

192 Pounds

Today I missed work.

Let me clarify.  Today I missed quiet.  Today I missed sitting still.  Today I missed going to the bathroom by myself with no one commenting on my "'gina" or asking me if I am pooping.

Don't get me wrong, I like being at home and I like my kids.  I even love them.  Today though I kind of hit a wall.

This is a wall made out of fatigue and a general lack of patience.  My husband's birthday was on the weekend which meant I cleaned like a bat out of hell all day Saturday.  For no particular reason, as it turns out (stay tuned for a guest post over at The Lame Sauce Thursday).  Then we were up late and had a busier day than planned yesterday. This coupled with no less than three midnight visits from the three year old and a bear of a husband who snores equals a tired bitchy me.

So how do I cope with this?  Do I exercise to combat stress?  Read a good book?  Take the highly recommended bubble bath?  No.  I eat.  I eat a giant Hershey bar. I eat some beef jerky.  I then eat two Sloppy Joes.  Oh and before 9:30 a.m., I finished off the birthday cake. Even though I'd already had some Cap'n'Crunch.  Can anyone say food issues? Anyone?

Last night I dreamt my husband made me weigh myself and I tipped the scales at a healthy 192 lbs.  Which I do not weigh in real life.  And I don't want to weigh.  That being said, I think that was my subconscious telling me to get the hell off the food train before it derails and all I can wear is elastic-waisted pants and it's no longer just a fun choice.

I digress.  This morning I fantasized about getting up before anyone else and showering, dressing like it mattered, applying make-up, doing my hair and leaving the house just before 8 a.m.  And then maybe grabbing a coffee and going to the office and quietly sitting in my office and checking my email and sipping my coffee.  No one would ask me to get them any cereal or argue over who gets to sit beside 'McQueen' or want to watch Caillou.  I never ever had to clean up anyone's bodily functions or bathe them after a poop gone wrong.

There was adult conversation.  Uninterrupted adult conversation.

Instead I have perfected a voice I do for Chuy the puppy.  Turns out, he has a lisp.

I need to get out more.  I need sleep. I need to have my jaw wired shut.

In the meantime, someone pass the cake.


  1. Ummm... have you seen Inception? You may wanna make sure your top falls over cause you might be in a dream within a dream, and the food might already have gotten ya.

    Single Dad Laughing

  2. I haven't seen it but now you've gone and upset me with the very thought of this business! And you know what that means...another fucking chocolate bar. Thanks SDL, thanks a lot.

  3. Hey
    I loved your post today. I'm right there with you. Today was my first official day of being unemployed and it was not all I thought it would be. I miss my friends, ate cookies before breakfast and accomplished nothing. I too missed the quiet of my desk while I check email in the morning. I hope it gets better...I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself.

  4. Russer also has a speech impediment, he can't say L, he replaces them with a W. Wiquid, Wusseroo dogawoo etc.

  5. Thanks Sherri. Most days are good, I should say that. Yesterday was the first day I even considered missing leaving the house to work. It will get better for you too.

    Anonymous-I enjoy that very much.

  6. I'm sorry you've had a rough couple of weeks. But on a lighter note, I got your postcards in the mail yesterday and they ABSOLUTELY made my day. Don't tell anyone, but they're the prettiest ones I've seen yet. Who knew Canada was so beautiful?! : )

  7. It was really only a rough day or few but thanks. I'm so glad you liked the postcards.

    p.s. Canada rocks.

  8. "no one commenting on my "'gina" or asking me if I am pooping" Hysterical. Mostly, because I share in the exact same experiences. Bathroom doors do not exist in this house apparently, or they may as well not. Seriously, I could hardly read the rest of this post I was laughing so hard.

  9. "Oh and before 9:30 a.m., I finished off the birthday cake."

    LMAO!!! Loved the post!! I can totally relate

  10. Well Polished Portrayal, I like you a lot. And yes, the bathroom doors in this house are apparently just for show.

    And Toy Couture? I like you too. Let's eat cake, shall we?