Friday, August 20, 2010

Your Baby isn't Cute and Neither is Your Dog

I know, I know, those are harsh words.  And just whose baby and dog am I talking about?  No one's in particular.  However, I am not of the belief that all babies are cute.  There are some ugly babies out there.  It's bound to happen.  And yes, because they are small, soft and smell good, they are endearing but that does not necessarily make them physically attractive.  It's a fact.  And guess what else?  And I may lose some of you over this...I'm not a 'dog person'.

What?!  But you have two dogs?  What kind of person who doesn't even like dogs have two of them?   A person who bases her love of children and dogs on their actual personalities.  I don't like all kids either.  If they are assholes or whiny or just plain dumb, I'm not interested in spending my time with them.  With the recent loss of my job some people have suggested I start a home daycare.  Um, no.  I tried that once and learned I don't like a lot of other people's children and my patience level is barely enough for my four children and husband.

And this morning?  I was lying in bed, getting to sleep in a little and all I could hear was a dog. Barking and barking and barking.  And in doing so, encouraging other dogs to bark and howl.  I don't know where these dogs were.  At least a couple of blocks away but who does that?  It's not even 8 a.m.  Put your dog in the house!

My dogs do not bark.  Toby will give the odd bark if someone walks in the back alley when he is in the back yard but it's literally just one bark.  Chuy will bark at the cats if he's attempting to get them to play with him.  It never works, in case you are wondering. There is fairly limited crotch sniffing. Toby is at the right height, so to speak, so he does get carried away from time to time. Chuy can't reach. Which is well enough by me.  That being said, this is why I have these two dogs.  They are clearly superior beings.

Dogs stink.  They jump up and they hump your leg.

Cats smell good.  They ignore you and never hump your leg.

I'm just saying.

And some kids chew with their mouths open.  Which is the ultimate sin in our house and so my children learned very young this is not acceptable.  Which means, do that and you will lose my love forever.  Some kids are dumb.  I'm not being mean to kids because these descriptors apply to a number of adults as well.  My point is I don't think kids are the cat's ass just because they are under 4 feet tall.

I don't even volunteer for school trips anymore because I know that I will only want to spend time with my child and his friend and that would be it.  The other kids would annoy me and maybe wipe boogers on me.

If you don't believe me in terms of non-existent patience level the following exchange just took place:

Little boys fighting and whining in the living room for the 15th time in the last hour since they've been up.

I storm into the living room and advise them of the following:

"Listen, that's enough! Do you two want to to live somewhere else because we can't actually afford four kids right now?!  You two are prime candidates because we have to pay for your daycare". 

And because they know the threat is empty and also don't know what "prime candidates" means?  They plead their cases and then the three year old openly mocks me.  Sigh.  They are very good looking and this is what saves them on a daily basis.

And now?  The dog next door, whose owner leaves out everyday all day when he is at work, is barking.  Soon she will start to howl and sound like a cow in heat.  I've never heard a cow in heat and don't even know if cows get horny, but if they did?  That is what they would sound like.

The End.


  1. I'm relieved to hear a mother and dog owner say that not all kids/dogs are adorable. I appreciate your honesty! I'm not a mother nor a dog (or any kind of pet) owner. This is my choice. I get very frustrated when kids/pets act out - I don't mean something small but I mean they border on being menaces to society. The ones responsible for them look at you like, 'aren't they adorable?' I'm sorry but no, I don't think your 120lb animal that just jumped on me wiping their muddy paws all over my clothes is an adorable creature. I feel that I only have these thoughts though because I don't own pets.
    Keep telling it like it is! I love it!

  2. I (obviously) agree. Thanks Kittie. I don't forsee my sugar-coating anything in the near future. :)

  3. I’m so happy to know that I am not alone in my disliking of other kids. I’ve only accepted the offer once to hold someone else’s baby, otherwise I’ve declined. When people ooo and awe over babies and stick their faces right into the stroller, I look from a distance and sometimes think, cute kid and sometimes not. My friend actually said to me that she’s glad her son really is actually cute because she knows people aren’t lying to her when they say he’s cute. It’s a case by case basis when it comes to liking babies and kids. Same goes for dogs too. If they are trained and don’t jump and slobber all over me, then we’ll get along just fine. I’m much more of a cat person though.

  4. You and me are like two peas and a pod on this. Haha. Some babies are downright ugly, and so are dogs, but it doesn't make a difference if they're good kids or good dogs, I guess. I had a mutt who was the ugliest thing ever and really one of the best dogs ever. Can't say the same for my kid. Beautiful AND charming, but I'm sure everybody says that about their own kid.

    Single Dad Laughing

  5. Yay for the cat people!!

    And SDL my children are all very attractive beings too. They have heard, on more than one occasion, how lucky they are that they aren't ugly because I wouldn't be near as lenient. I'm joking, of course. Maybe... ;)