I've been feeling a little apprehensive about blogging but I feel worse about not blogging, so here goes.
Things are up and down and all over right now. I can't be anymore specific than that. It is, however, making me think, hard, about what my life is, what it could be and what I want it to be.
Right now my life is not without issue but it is comfortable enough. Oh sure, we generally live paycheck to paycheck. We have two teenagers in the house which presents it's own unique set of challenges. We'd like to be thinner, richer, in better shape. I don't think that makes us unique in any sense. What could my life be? It could be more fulfilling. I could work harder to make changes I'd like to see. I could be content?
For right now I really am trying to live in the moment. My oldest child is 16. Yesterday he was five. Before I know it, he'll be 25. My daughter is 13. She scares me the most. I see too much of myself in her and that's what's so frightening. The not-so-scary part? She's smart, funny, strong and beautiful. But she's 13. And yesterday, she was 3.
This summer has been great. I'm doing lots of fun summertime things with my two little boys that I hope will create some lasting memories. They are six and three. And knowing what I know now, when each year goes by quicker than the last? They'll be grown men before I know it.
I sort of hate people who say they don't have any regrets. In my mind it amounts to always having made the right choices. In retrospect though, I think it has more to do with recognizing mistakes, even the big ones, but still also recognizing it's life and you cannot turn back time, so deal. Sometimes I wish that weren't true but if weren't for the 'mistakes' I've made in my life I don't know where I'd be and I can't imagine wanting a life much different than what I have right now.
I live in a city I said I'd never live in. I have friends I never though I'd have. I have four amazing children. I have a husband, who despite our strong differences in the way we think and process things, I love and who I know loves me.
One of my friends, who I found in this city and who's one of the reasons I don't want to leave it now, told me about a song she and her husband considered their song. Or at least she does. It's the one about only having 100 years to live. That was such a different view of life. It's more about making the most of life and recognizing time is in short supply. Prior to that, and still sometimes today, I find myself looking at life as something to survive. No more.
I generally mock optimists and consider myself a realist. I'm not sure I'm doing anyone any favours with that kind of thinking. So for now, I'm going to try and think of my glass as half full (of Grape Vodka, of course) and see where it takes me.
Well, besides to the liquor board store which better have the vodka in stock or else I'm right back to thinking life sucks!